Selfishness

Today I come to talk to you about selfishness, because it has been appearing a lot in my sessions lately: a certain person struggling with the feeling of being selfish for not wanting/being able to help a loved one.

In therapy, it looks like this: Dr. I'm extremely exhausted and anxious. I don't know how to deal with my girlfriend's situation. She's very depressed, tried to commit suicide several times, and I'm the one who found and took care of her. There's no one else, her family don't care about her, her friends are tired of dealing with her. And on one hand, I want to take care of her because we love each other so much, but on the other hand, there are days that I just want to break up and forget about her...I know it's selfish to think that...

It is curious that many times the complaint is not so clear: they complain of tiredness or depression, but the association with these circumstances is not immediate. You see the clear tiredness, then comes the fear – of not being able to take care of that person as they need to be –, then the anger – of at times realizing that you don’t want to have that burden, and then, the guilt – because you feel that you are being selfish, and that letting go of that extremely vulnerable person who needs so much support is a narcissistic act.

I'm taking this opportunity to point out that at no time in my videos or chronicles will I adopt a blaming stance. We all have developed wounds and patterns that manifest automatically. I am focusing on one of the parts of the dyad, considering that we are doing therapy with an individual and not a couple. Not blaming the other party, since the difficulties in the couple are always fed back.

Getting back to my patient: I look at his reality, at his suffering. And while his conflict is perfectly legitimate, about whether to continue to care for his girlfriend or whether to break up because he feels overwhelmed, it seems to me that the big question is which needs should be taken care of: his or hers?

The decision-making is not black or white, as you might imagine, there are several shades of grey: from compromises, transformations or adaptations on both sides so that both find a balance at the individual and at couple's levels. Especially because anguish and suffering can also come from an immature or underdeveloped capacity for emotional regulation, or who knows, to be a trigger of a past traumatic situation!

The key ideas for making this type of decision must be based on congruence with one's own values, objectives and needs. Is it possible to continue to care for this person, satisfying the value of altruis, while at the same time ensuring the need for rest, and the feeling of reciprocal support?

You will never hear me advise (because a psychologist does not advise!!) a patient to break off any relationship, be it loving, family or friendship. I believe this is an extreme measure, and before that there is a lot of individual or dyad dynamics to transform.

Returning to the main point: this is not about selfishness. It is about congruence with values, goals and needs. Sometimes we have to choose to satisfy ours, rather than those of others, because not doing so means bringing us more suffering than it is possible to regulate.