Resilience in the 21st century

This word has been used with tremendous frequency since 2020, the year of the pandemic! And yet, as a clinical psychologist, I couldn't help but notice some inconsistencies between common sense and what is actually therapeutic or transformative.

The definition of resilience in its most common form is “the ability to quickly recover from difficult situations”. I see this paradigm with some flaws, for example “quickly recover” implies that whatever the situation, however painful it may be, we have to recover from it as fast as possible. Obviously not: each person with their early wounds, attachment styles and particular tendencies to act and feel, will take the time they need to digest “difficult situations” – which also differ from person to person! For A, it is more painful to lose a pet than an uncle, and for B it is more painful to change jobs than to end a love relationship.

Resilience has also been confused with happiness. Happiness is often conceptualized as an intense and constant emotion, like when we receive that visit we've been waiting for, or that gift we've wanted so much. But “happiness”, in a way of satisfaction and fulfillment, is not an intense emotion. It is, on the contrary, a state of soul – less intense, more underlying. A state of openness, of “giving”, and of peace. And this state is achieved when we live according to our personal needs, and make conscious decisions to satisfy our goals and desires.

But resilience, as Robert Leahy (2015), from Emotional Schema Therapy conceptualizes (and I adapt in my practice), is the characteristic that made us survive and evolve into the human being who lives in the society we know today. We once witnessed daily death, starvation, rape, mutilation, attacks by predators. Today in our much more organized and legislated society, where our basic needs (eating, drinking, sleeping, being safe) are more easily satisfied, “difficult situations” change – naturally they still happen. Today we are concerned with satisfying family, friendship or love relationships. We are concerned with a job that performs for us and that has an impact. We no longer deal with death or pain as something banal, and thankfully…! But we forget the idea that life is hard. There is no way to control all events, and difficulties lead us to feel pain and disappointment. Many times we will have to choose a terrible job over living under the bridge. Many times we will have to deal with the rejection of our loved one, or with the “imperfections” of our body. Accepting the random – rather than unfair – character of life is crucial to living a fulfilling life. It is evident that I do not detract from the impact and recovery of a complex trauma, a situation that I do not include in this definition of resilience.

Being resilient is not being unconditionally happy, without ever feeling pain. It is not about fulfilling absolutely all of our desires and needs. It's not about living a life without obstacles in the way. It's not just "seeing the bright side of life". And it's also not "tolerate" discomfort as if we were a tractor.

Resilience is therefore the ability to be flexible in the face of life's events. Of choosing paths that, while not exactly what would lead us to Nirvana, are the most congruent with our goals, values ​​and needs. It's accepting that sometimes life's difficulties don't necessarily have a positive side - it really hurts and we have to process the pain: understand what we lost and how we can transform our life around the loss - if we can! And each step in its time, without haste, and without unrealistic positivism.

I would like to share what I consider my mantras, both therapeutic and personal. I used Richard Schwartz's Therapy of Internal Systems (2001), despite using them in a different way than the original theory. They are the qualities that guide you towards a life as satisfying and adapted as possible. They are calm, because it gives you space – to think, feel and be; confidence, to access your inner life; connectedness, with that life, with the World and with others; curiosity, without judgment; clarity, about what you are, what you want and need; compassion, for you and for the others because you (they) didn't knew better; courage, to evolve every day; and creativity, to give yourself what you need, transform, heal and take on new roles in the System.

If you're not available for psychotherapy – and accessing your more structural inner life – try expressing your pain through art. It has always been said that “the best art comes from the greatest pain”. Sing, cook, paint, write, dance, photograph (among thousands of alternatives)! Choose to use pain energy to create and give to the World. Instead of using it to destroy yourself in guilt, anger, or psychiatric medication....... Transform yourself in the process.