Pure evil??

We all have wounds. Some bigger or more painful than others. Wounds are created when exposed to stressful situations, which in an emotional or physical way create the need to defend ourselves. This way of defending ourselves serves to survive! Defense can be as important as life itself – a child who has to run away lest a parent kill him – or it can be a more subtle and camouflaged integrity, such as defending ourselves from fear, anger, guilt or shame. situations such as constant criticism or rejection.

I usually say that we are not responsible for how we learn to relate to ourselves and others. Usually these tendencies are picked up when we are very young. And as children, can we discern whether one attitude is better or more effective than another? I hope we can all agree with “of course not”. This perspective is often effective in creating compassion and grieving the fact that we have been “responsible” for our suffering. It is important, once we have the insight into how we contribute to suffering, to decide on a more nurturing attitude towards ourselves, in light of our goals, needs and desires. From that moment on, we can do our best to improve the dynamics with the people around us. We can go to therapy, understand our unproductive mechanisms and find more effective ones.

The big problem is that not only is it difficult to gain this insight, because these behaviors are so deeply rooted in our “autopilot”, it is also difficult to assume that we are responsible not only for our suffering, but also for that of others. As a psychologist, I understand that the vast majority of apparently cruel mechanisms – lying, attacking, controlling, forcing, manipulating – in my patients do not come from pure evil or sadism: they come from the wound. In any case, more than causing pain to themselves, they also cause pain to others. And of course it hurts to integrate this.

Looking at things in this light, maybe it's easier for us to feel compassion rather than anger (which makes grieving extremely difficult)… but don't get me wrong. We must not submit to mistreatment.

Most of the time, the dynamics can change, they usually take time, but as you can imagine, if the dynamics of a couple is: the wife who exhaustively and cruelly criticizes the husband, who gets angry, raising the discussion to levels violent; it is evident that if the husband leaves the scene before getting angry, he is already introducing a seed of transformation to the relationship, as the wife is surprised with an attitude she was unaware of and with which she will have to learn to deal.

But there is one thing that we must keep in mind, and as much as a psychotherapist is resilient, motivated and always watches over the patient's evolution, we have to make it clear that we can do all this and even then others around us may not be able to follow our evolution. They may get stuck on automatic or want to continue to feed the old dynamics as they don't realize the costs to themselves and to us! They can distort our evolution because it doesn't go in the direction they want (very common when parents send their child to therapy, who instead of becoming a brilliant and neutered student, rebels). They can simply choose to continue to reproduce the seemingly cruel mechanisms…. Among so many other possibilities!

I think it will be at this point, after so much effort on our part to transform the dynamics, of this journey into our being and integration of our responsibility for our suffering and that of those who deprive us, and that after so many attempts, suffering continues, we must make the decision: we keep trying; we radically accept that the other has no more resources and we keep ourselves in the dynamics by learning to desensitize the pain (I'm not a fan of interpersonal relationships, but it can be useful for precarious work situations that take on a temporary rather than interminable character), or else…..it's time to let go!

It is very noble to want to evolve, and to transform the dynamics with others who are dear to us not only for the satisfaction of our needs, but also for theirs. But leave the “analyses” to the psychotherapists who are paid for it, and abandon the ruminations.

Vivam uma vida plena e feliz. Junto daqueles que nutrem o vosso melhor, que vos acolhem quando assumem a neurose, e que compreendem que todos os dias evoluímos para esse melhor.