Relationship's problem Solving

This theme appears in absolutely all contexts, family, friends, love, work or even in everyday situations. Won't be inventing the wheel here, but want to discuss a problem that in theory is relatively simple, but in practice and “live” it's not that easy.

Let's imagine the following situation: Inês is angry with Francisco because he didn't respond to her message this afternoon. When he responds, Inês gets very upset and shouts at Francisco, who doesn't understand what he did wrong.

When we get into conflict, there is a great tendency to get worked up over the emotion without giving ourselves time to process what it is telling us. In this way, we are unable to express what we were missing in a way that someone else understands us. We are acting out on the emotion, usually motivated by old tendencies... sometimes punishing the other for mistreating us, rejecting the other before the opposite happens, or on the other hand, we scream to be heard. All of these are ways we learn to preserve ourselves, which often in our adult lives are providing the opposite of what we want.

And so they (Inês and Francisco) began to argue, each acts out on their emotions, attacking and counterattacking with “you did that” and responding “yes, but you did that”. It becomes a competition of who is more right instead of a constructive dialogue in which both reach a deal for both needs to be satisfied to the extent reasonable.

Let’s apply the strategy steps:

1. Define the problem: It may be different for each person involved. Inês is angry because Francisco took many hours to respond to the message. Francisco was angry because Inês was rude to him.

2. Where does it come from? In this step, many people would think it would be “apologizing for the other person’s attitude”. In fact, it is a way of explaining where this emotional occurrence comes from, and creating compassion between the couple. Inês is the daughter of divorced parents, so she grew up with her father shouting at her mother when he was angry. For Francisco, who grew up in a family with a very assertive way of dealing with problems, he never heard shouting at home and that's why he thinks it's not necessary.

3. What is the goal: This is the crucial part of conflict resolution – what is the objective of this interaction? Is it punishing the other? Is it to see who is right? Or is it repairing the rupture, negotiating a way that both feel comfortable, to avoid creating the same initial situation that created the conflict? If both are in agreement with the resolution, then the next step

4. Create solutions: It will be easier to implement. Both negotiated a way for Inês not to feel that she was being rejected by Francisco, and she could meet the need for greater contact.

5. Then choose a solution: Together

6. Put it into practice, and make space to do the test. If it doesn't work, come back to generate more solutions

The key point of this article is that we never forget what our goal is when we are in conflict with our partner. We want to create unity and less disruption. We all have our perspective on events, we all have our right to feel what we feel. If we have compassion for others and forget the objective, the result will always be more companionship.