“I need answers”, “I need you to tell me to my face”, “only then will I be able to move on”

It's true that one of the ways to process grief for some people is to have answers.. but let's imagine that there is no way to have them? As you can imagine, there are scenarios where it's really impossible: A father who dies with the secret of his son's identity, or a wife who leaves her husband and disappears, never to be seen again.

Clinically, one of the therapeutic tasks aimed at processing unfinished business is the empty chair approach. In this task, the patient is positioned facing an empty chair, where he must “place” the person with whom he has the matter to process, and the therapist positions his chair between the patient and the empty chair, creating a triangle between them all. He will guide the patient in the processing of his pain: empathically reinforce it, guide to its healthy expression, among others. It is extremely productive when the patient is experientially immersed in the task, because by abdicating a physical response (which often does not bring any evolution) it promotes truce with the internal wound by finding answers in a compassionate and conscientious part of him.

Now, about unfinished business with people who have not left this world. Scenarios like "why did you cheat on me?", "why don't you answer?", "why don't you want me?". Some people turn this search for answers into personal torture. Engaging in circular, ruminating thoughts, without coming up with solutions. The truth is, there are many reasons why others don't give us the answers we want so badly: they may not value the answers as much as we do; they may be afraid of hurting us; they may not know the answer – it is demanding too much, that everyone has free access to their inner life; or they may not even be caring enough to want to alleviate our suffering – not everyone has enough compassion or empathy to satisfy the last needs of a bereaved.

I challenge you to think: could our need for answers be an old tendency to seek non-reciprocal love? Instead of rationalizing the inner lives of others, why not address what the behavior of others makes us feel? Confused, sad, rejected, neglected... express this and whatever the verbal response, we will always have the non-verbal response: behavior! Still not calling? Still lying? That's the answer. Understanding the other is a good principle, putting ourselves in their shoes, striving to promote the best possible relationship. Of course, there are people who hurt us even without intending to. But if after expressing pain, unmet needs, and the way we contribute to the “unsatisfactory” dynamic (that is, other conversations) we still have to look for more answers, or continue to fantasize about the reasons that justify the actions of others… …

Why will this bring us more relief than letting go of unrequited love?